The Dad, the boy and their bike (Otherwise known as the long awaited story).

Walking into the room I could feel the fear begin to creep into the pit of my stomach. This fear has gripped me as far back as I can remember. It is the very reason I bought that thing in the first place. The same motorcycle my boy thought would help him in his search as well. You see I have never felt worthy as a man. It has been a point of attack for the enemy my entire life. He has used the men in my life to cripple me as a man. Every opportunity for abandonment he, the enemy, took and used it to create in me a lack of worth. It is the very reason as a young man I could not commit. It is also the reason I have found it so difficult to trust other men. The greatest of these wounds came from my father, but that is another story for another day.
I had to get something off my chest. I knew he could tell that something was amiss as he prepared for his trip of freedom. It had been eating at me for a while, but like I said I am gripped with fear when these things need to be said. The part that truly saddens me is that I have no problem speaking to a stranger on the street or shooting the breeze with a buddy over a bear while watching the game but I have never been able to speak these words that need to be spoke to him. I know it has done harm to our relationship as father and son. Each night before I rest I pray that it will not harm him like it has harmed me. That he will be able to move beyond this vicious cycle that has plagued the men of our family for generations.
I opened the door and stepped into the room. Already I could these words would come tearfully. “Son I want you to know something before you go. I want you to know that I am proud of the man you are becoming. I love you deeply. More than I have often showed with words or actions. But I stand here telling you that it is true. I also want you to know that if you are searching for who you are as a man on this trip it will not come to you through leaving. You see son, I tried to do the same thing at your age. But I can tell you as I stand here I thought I learned what it was like to be a man on that trip. But I was wrong. I learned to be a man when I learned to love your mother without running and love you even though I was scared to death to love you. I was afraid I would break you or screw you up. You see a real man is not some outlaw or some cowboy. A man can only truly be a man in community. In community we have people to look at like a mirror to see who we truly are. We cannot see who we are by ourselves. So if you think freedom and the open road will tell you who you are you will not find your answer out there. You can only find it when you are in community.”
At this she stood up from the bed with fist clenched and leaped towards me. I hadn’t known she was in there. If I had I would never have entered. As she neared I embraced her and she began to pound my chest. I could see she had been crying by the mascara on her cheeks and I just enticed more tears out of her without intention. As she pounded me she screamed at me. “Why couldn’t you say that before, why couldn’t you speak those words with him here? Why, Charlie, why? Why didn’t you stop him?” All I could do was hold her in the embrace. Eventually she stopped hitting me but the tears didn’t stop as our embrace continued. Slowly we sat moved to the bed and sat while continuing to embrace each other. All I could utter was “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
You see we just finished burying my boy, our boy. Today was the day of his funeral. It was just a week ago that he left for his trip on that motorcycle I had once road off into the sunset. He was less that an hour from our house when a car ran a red light and hit him. He was dead before the paramedics arrived. And now I must live with the knowledge that I didn’t speak those words. That I allowed him to leave with words unspoken. Words that desperately needed to be heard by ears that never will. I didn’t have the chance to tell him how much I loved him or how proud of him I was. I simply said “Good bye, son.”

I Forgot to Add

So I forgot to add something to the list. It is my belief along with others that it really doesn't matter if something is considered a "discipline" classically. All that matters is that it helps in the formation of ones soul. So I am going to add something to the list.

Slow Down: I am now going to purposefully drive slower and get it the lane with the most people at stop lights if able. I am also going to get in the longest lines in places. All this is to teach myself that it is God who is ultimately in control of situations not myself.

The First Week

Amber B. requested that I update you all on my first week back to the disciplines. So I am going to update you all on how it went. Here is what I have been thinking this last week.

Fasting: It really helped to me to remember that I am spirit and body. The two go together; they are not separate. It wasn't that difficult to do. I began to get a little hungry towards the end of the day and really wanted food. But that is to be expected.

Silence: It is going to be more than just not speaking on a day once a month. I am going to eliminate noise from my life. So riding in the car I am going to have no music or radio. I believe it was Henri Nouwen that said Christians should have quiet houses. They should have lack of noise so that it leaves God room to speak. Because it has been said that God is not in the wind, the earthquake or the storm but in the still silence. This will also look like not listening to music or watching a movie while going to sleep.

Frugality: Spending under $3 at Starbucks or Diedrich. Not ordering the best thing on the menu when eating out.

That's about all for now. Next weekend will be my first weekend of Silence and Solitude. I will let you know how it goes.

The Rubber Meets the Road (No this isn't the Motorcycle Story)

So recently I have been reading Dallas Willard's book The Spirit of the Disciplines. And I just finished chapter 3 which is titled Salvation is a Life. The basic premises of the chapter is that we focus to much on the single act of Jesus crucifixion and not on his entire life and/or his resurrection. In so doing we tend to make salvation an instantaneous event which requires nothing of us after the fact. But if we understand it in its proper context salvation is a whole life event. Therefore we continue to have a part after our conversion. So basically what I am saying is I am going to be practicing some of the classic disciplines to help the rubber meet the road and I would like to enlist your help. If you and I are in conversation or hanging out please ask me how they are going. I ask you this so that I might be held accountable. Also I hope by myself doing this and you hearing of my experience you might consider doing this as well. I might share periodically on here if it is of interest, comment and let me know if you want to here updates on the blog. So here is my list of disciplines I am going to be practicing and the stipulations I am setting for them. Fasting: every Thursday I will fast two meals, in so doing I will fast roughly 24 hours the Jewish way. Silence: I am going to practice not speaking for 24 hour periods. Once a month on a weekend. Solitude: Once a month spend 6 hours by myself with God, a journal and my bible; thats it. Scripture Memorization: Kinda self explanatory. And the last is frugality: This will last a month at least, not sure how long, where I will not buy anything for myself except for that which I need. I suppose that last will be the most difficult. So please help me with this if you are with me somewhere. Food obviously doesn't count, nor does gas and such. Basically it is the purchase of products or merchandise will you have it. If there are any questions feel free to comment and ask.

P.S. Yes, Amber, I know it goes over the page rule.

Tag Redemption

Here you go Amber.
It's fun! You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less. It's harder than you think!
1. Where is your cell phone? In My Pocket
2. Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend or Husband/Wife? Lost not found
3. Where is one of your parents? In her car
4. Cheesecake? I love cows
5. Your favorite thing to do? Discuss a topic
6. Your dream last night? None found here
7. Your favorite drink? No real winner
8. The room you're in? My sleeping room
9. George Bush? Could be worse
10. What you're good at? Taking awesome photos
11. One of your wish list items? Porsche 911 Turbo
12. Where did you grow up? Southern California Baby
13. The last thing you did? Typed lame answer
14. What are you wearing? clothing for work
15. Who stole your sunglasses, amber? Amber has sunglasses?
16. Ketchup? No better condiment
17. Your computer? Apple Macbook Pro
18. Your life? Led from above
19. Your mood? Pretty stinking good
20 your next blog? Wait I blog?
21. Your car is? to be fixed
22. Your summer? Way to hot
23. Your relationship status? Does this matter?
24. Your favorite color(s)? No favorite here
25. When is the last time you laughed? I can't remember.

I tag Andrew, Lisa and John W.
Ok...get blogging people!

My new Dew

I know you like it.

Its good!

You know you wouldn't believe it unless you tried it, I know I didn't. But this stuff is actually good. It is McDonald's Coffee. Go try it and you will see. Best coffee I have ever had that I can recall.

I Suppose I will Do This...

The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.





The Random Facts/Habits:
1. I love ketchup.
2. If it has John Cusack I am in. (Weird I know)
3. I know how to sail. (You can call me Captain Jon)
4. I've been to Asia and Europe but never Mexico.
5. I need to have something cover me while sleeping. Sheet or blanket will do.
6. I've moved at least ten times in my life.
7. I used to deliver pizza for a job.
8. I have my motorcycle license.




So at this point I doubt there is anyone else left to tag, except The Ninja, so he is the only one getting tagged. If you read this and would like to do one yourself feel free to do so and leave a comment on here to let others know.

Interesting Results

So have you ever noticed how God tends to work in really weird ways. For example today I read in Luke about the Lost Son (aka Prodigal Son), which by the way I really like the title the TNIV uses which is the Lost Son go read the whole chapter that way and you will understand. So any ways I was sitting at Starbucks tonight and someone came and sat down next to me and she looked like she wanted to talk to me so I took out my ipod head phones and made eye contact with her. And she began to speak to me and soon I realized (after her telling me) that she is the wife of a buddy of mine I used to play hockey with. A man who helped me through sometimes of confusion and learning to be a Christian man. Well they moved away 4 years ago and I thought him to be lost from my life for ever due to random circumstances (aka new phone # and new email, both of which I did not have). Needless to say I am pretty stoked because apparently they are back living in So Cal, which is freaking awesome. So God went and brought something back that I thought I had lost. Maybe he is trying to teach me something. Only time will tell.

P.S. If you want to laugh really really hard go read Jesse's latest blog.

P.S.S. To my future wife, who ever she is, yes I will try this.

Random Things of Note.

So I have found several thing lately on the internet thanks to my buddy Mario at work. Here are some cool websites. They are totally worth your time.

Miniature Earth
World Clock

Now some none Mario stuff.

Greg's humorous fictional video blog. (Note this blog is very in depth and has lots of links and very very fun)

And my response via blogs do work. (A.K.A. Jesse started one).

As for the previous post about the new story. I'm thinking of making a monologue so I have to look into specialties of this sort.

Dear Jesse,

You don't even have a blog. So I don't think you have much right to complain.

I'm working on it.

I'm working on another story. This one involves a motorcycle. :)

The Weird Dream I Had

So I had this crazy dream yesterday, but it wasn't your typical dream because I was not fully asleep. I was in that half sleep half awake time. So this dream or vision or what ever you want to call it had me standing in a line with a bunch of soldiers in old school armor. Instantly as I see this my mind starts going to Paul writing about the armor of God. So as I stand there with these other Christian soldiers I begin to freak out. As the enemy approaches I realize it is the devil's army and I start to bow down. Not because I worship him, but because I willingly choose not to fight. Which is an accurate picture of my life at times. When I need to fight the enemy, who prowls around like a lion, I often just throw in the towel and not care.

Then I spoke with my mother today she mentioned a series she is listening to from one of her friends. Where the guy speaking references being fit for God's army. So I have come to the conclusion I am in dire need of work when it comes to confronting the enemy when he attempts to pounce. Time to break out that sword and say "Peace, buddy, we are no longer on good terms. You can leave or I will start using this thing." So as you all go about this next week think about ways you could better prepare yourself to fight off the enemy and give him blows he does not like. Its time we soldiers of Christ start acting like soldiers. We need to stand against the enemy as Paul would say.

Choices

So I know I said I would update you all soon on my new job and my new (used) car. But I decided I would give you only a piece of information for privacy purposes. I got a new job which I like a lot. I enjoy it, it pays ok and I have found several opportunities to talk about God. While I do not want to do this particular job the rest of my life I could work in this business, if God sees fit not to have me work vocationally in ministry. Also the new car was an extreme blessing. It is not the coolest thing in the world, but I enjoy it. Brent thinks it is ghetto, but he is the only one with negative comments so far. And thats fine by me. I choose to drive it and I will enjoy it. I have decided I don't need to have a "nice" car to be happy driving around. I compare myself to the rest of the world and life is looking really good.

I have also recently decided that I am going to try and cut down on the time thief's in my life. Most of those being internet or tv related. So I will not be updating this very often. I am trying to devote myself to things that will be a better use of my time. Its my choice and I am exercising it. I will try to update every so often and also try to post thoughts on God as well as art stuff (i.e. photos and writing). So yeah I am exercising my right to live more minimally.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Jon

P.S. I am in the process of learning Classical Greek, way awesome.

P.S.S. The car has a bench seat in the front (Yes Brent is does count as a bench seat. Why you ask because they are not buckets. Case Closed).

Update.

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I just got a new job working for a property management company. And I got a new (used) car. I will post more on both this weekend.

My Pocket Watch

So I recently was given a pocket watch passed down by my father to me from his father. It pretty old, how old I'm not sure how many Varner men have owned it. But it is old enough that it requires that you manually wind the watch all most every day. I really love this watch. I haven't grown up with a lot of family traditions that have been passed on. My family is just not like that, it is very splintered. For example the last family reunion we had was when I was like in kindergarten, if you would like to adopt me and bring me to your's I would love to come and experience the weirdness of family reunions. So yeah as I have recently received this watch from my father it has gotten me thinking.

There are something that we simply must do to survive, just like I must wind the watch each day. While I think the things that come to mind first are our physical needs. But there is something more important that I thing we need to include in our daily lives. Jesus said "Man does not live alone but on every word of God." As we go about our day we need to charge or wind ourselves and I think that part of that comes from God. We need to make time with Jesus essential to our lives, much like the food we intake each day. I know most of us enjoy food every day and even get a little cranky when we don't have it. Should our spiritual lives be any different? I think not. We need to learn to feast on His word. It is essentially how we come to be in relationship with Him. I know we can have a relationship that is not dependent on the Word. But since we have this available to us I think we should on some level immerse ourselves daily with it. I think we need to learn to love God's Word like we love food. So yeah just some random thoughts. As you go about this week May you be aware of your need to wind yourself (and your watch) and that you will actually wind up.

Update on the neighbor's dog.

So the dog or dog's (not sure if there are two) did not die that night. But it or they continue to bark every night which is making me not care for their safety anymore. I know cruel, but seriously people if you ever own a dog teach them not to bark all the freaking time.

Random thought here. Why do people call home phones on the weekend? We get free minutes on the cell phones why not use them.

The neighbor's dog

So currently it is 11:49pm and the neighbor's dog is barking insecently and I cannot figure out why. I have seen coyotes running around the neighborhood before but I cannot seem to find any at the moment. I am concerned for the dog's safety but I also would really like him/her to shut up so I can sleep with my window open because it is starting to get hot enough that my room stays warm at night. My room is the room in the house the experiences the greatest amount of heat. Which kinda suck for a guy like me who is hot a lot of the time. Oh God please bring back the 80 (just realized their isn't a degree button on the computer) degree days.

The Map or The Journey

The thought began to wander its way back to the front of her mind. She had been rummaging her brain all night trying to think of responses to this troubling request. What was she to do? She could respond in two ways. She could offer Josh the thing that he requested or she could walk away and hope to find someone else who would love her. But was she willing to take that chance? It had been so long since she someone had told her that she was special, that she was worth everything, that she was beautiful. But did he actually mean these things or was he just playing the game? Was his desire genuine or did he just know the right things to say? He hadn't tried to get her to bed yet although there were times he could have if he wanted, not because he was charming but because she had always tried to earn love that way. That was what troubled her about him on some level. He didn't force her to earn his love with sex. But there was also something else that bothered her, until last night she didn't know what it was. Then the request came last night at dinner. He didn't ask for her to sleep with him or her hand in marriage. He asked for something far more troubling.

Josh was a nice guy. He was headed to the top and would soon be making a seven figure income. He would eventually be able to provide all the things she had ever dreamed of. But he was not very romantic and at times seemed out of touch with who she was. The entire reason she was still with him was because she longed for companionship that was hard to come by for her at this point in her life.

The request came as they were sitting a one of the nicest tables in a upscale restaurant, which oddly she would have preferred something a little less classy. She liked nice things but he had taken her to only nice restaurants and she wanted to have some normal food for once with him. They had been seeing each other casually for a little while now. As the dinner progressed she could tell Josh was getting serious. Now she was curious to see what he was going to ask her. As the anticipation grew he finally asked her. And what she heard she could not believe. Who actually asks for something like that. You must be wondering what he asked for. Well I'll tell you what he asked. He asked her if she could give him a map to her heart. He too had noticed that he lacked an understanding of her and he wanted to understand her so that he could love her. You see Josh was a very analytical person. He thought love was a bunch of proofs that could be fulfilled. So if he knew her favorite things, how she liked to be touched, what her hurts have been, what her joys had been he would be able to love her best. He assumed that love was a mathematical equation that simply needed the right variables to be inserted for it to work.

She hadn't stopped thinking about that question all night long, even though he had long ago dropped her off. Soon the sun would begin to rise, luckily she didn't have to work on Saturdays, and she was still thinking about the request.

As the sun started to crawl over the horizon she knew she had to let him go. It scarred her to death that she was letting go a guy that actually liked her. But he would never truly love her. He cared more about the destination then the journey. You see she had come to realize that it was the journey that mattered, not the map or where you end up. It is along the journey of a relationship that you truly learn to love someone and they in return. She remembered something from High School about Romeo and Juliet and how there were two women juxtaposed in the play for Romeo. There was the girl at the beginning, whose name escaped her mind at the time, and then there was Juliet. Romeo loved the other girl by proofs but he loved Juliet by freedom. To one he spoke in proper form the other he spoke in free verse. The problem with Josh his he wanted to love her with proper formed poetry. He would never be able to love her with free verse. Thats why she had to walk away.

She picked up the phone and called him knowing he would be in the shower preparing for the office. Even though it was a Saturday he would spend the first half of his day there. She left him a message explaining to him that she needed someone to love the journey and learn to love her while on it. Not simply someone who would ask for a map so he could get to the end as soon as possible. Then she hung up the phone and grab the keys to her car. She was going for a journey and was leaving the map at home. And maybe just maybe she would find someone else on their journey and they could begin to journey together.

The Process Begins

So I am going to start practicing writing fiction a little more. So indulge me as we see my progression in my writing ability. Also I intend to start writing more non-fiction stuff like I did early on. Also the camera is going to be out again so hopefully there will be more pictures to come. When you guys see these thing please feel free to tell me what you think could be done better. Thanks for the help and understanding as we go through this process together.