The Dad, the boy and their bike (Otherwise known as the long awaited story).

Walking into the room I could feel the fear begin to creep into the pit of my stomach. This fear has gripped me as far back as I can remember. It is the very reason I bought that thing in the first place. The same motorcycle my boy thought would help him in his search as well. You see I have never felt worthy as a man. It has been a point of attack for the enemy my entire life. He has used the men in my life to cripple me as a man. Every opportunity for abandonment he, the enemy, took and used it to create in me a lack of worth. It is the very reason as a young man I could not commit. It is also the reason I have found it so difficult to trust other men. The greatest of these wounds came from my father, but that is another story for another day.
I had to get something off my chest. I knew he could tell that something was amiss as he prepared for his trip of freedom. It had been eating at me for a while, but like I said I am gripped with fear when these things need to be said. The part that truly saddens me is that I have no problem speaking to a stranger on the street or shooting the breeze with a buddy over a bear while watching the game but I have never been able to speak these words that need to be spoke to him. I know it has done harm to our relationship as father and son. Each night before I rest I pray that it will not harm him like it has harmed me. That he will be able to move beyond this vicious cycle that has plagued the men of our family for generations.
I opened the door and stepped into the room. Already I could these words would come tearfully. “Son I want you to know something before you go. I want you to know that I am proud of the man you are becoming. I love you deeply. More than I have often showed with words or actions. But I stand here telling you that it is true. I also want you to know that if you are searching for who you are as a man on this trip it will not come to you through leaving. You see son, I tried to do the same thing at your age. But I can tell you as I stand here I thought I learned what it was like to be a man on that trip. But I was wrong. I learned to be a man when I learned to love your mother without running and love you even though I was scared to death to love you. I was afraid I would break you or screw you up. You see a real man is not some outlaw or some cowboy. A man can only truly be a man in community. In community we have people to look at like a mirror to see who we truly are. We cannot see who we are by ourselves. So if you think freedom and the open road will tell you who you are you will not find your answer out there. You can only find it when you are in community.”
At this she stood up from the bed with fist clenched and leaped towards me. I hadn’t known she was in there. If I had I would never have entered. As she neared I embraced her and she began to pound my chest. I could see she had been crying by the mascara on her cheeks and I just enticed more tears out of her without intention. As she pounded me she screamed at me. “Why couldn’t you say that before, why couldn’t you speak those words with him here? Why, Charlie, why? Why didn’t you stop him?” All I could do was hold her in the embrace. Eventually she stopped hitting me but the tears didn’t stop as our embrace continued. Slowly we sat moved to the bed and sat while continuing to embrace each other. All I could utter was “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
You see we just finished burying my boy, our boy. Today was the day of his funeral. It was just a week ago that he left for his trip on that motorcycle I had once road off into the sunset. He was less that an hour from our house when a car ran a red light and hit him. He was dead before the paramedics arrived. And now I must live with the knowledge that I didn’t speak those words. That I allowed him to leave with words unspoken. Words that desperately needed to be heard by ears that never will. I didn’t have the chance to tell him how much I loved him or how proud of him I was. I simply said “Good bye, son.”

I Forgot to Add

So I forgot to add something to the list. It is my belief along with others that it really doesn't matter if something is considered a "discipline" classically. All that matters is that it helps in the formation of ones soul. So I am going to add something to the list.

Slow Down: I am now going to purposefully drive slower and get it the lane with the most people at stop lights if able. I am also going to get in the longest lines in places. All this is to teach myself that it is God who is ultimately in control of situations not myself.

The First Week

Amber B. requested that I update you all on my first week back to the disciplines. So I am going to update you all on how it went. Here is what I have been thinking this last week.

Fasting: It really helped to me to remember that I am spirit and body. The two go together; they are not separate. It wasn't that difficult to do. I began to get a little hungry towards the end of the day and really wanted food. But that is to be expected.

Silence: It is going to be more than just not speaking on a day once a month. I am going to eliminate noise from my life. So riding in the car I am going to have no music or radio. I believe it was Henri Nouwen that said Christians should have quiet houses. They should have lack of noise so that it leaves God room to speak. Because it has been said that God is not in the wind, the earthquake or the storm but in the still silence. This will also look like not listening to music or watching a movie while going to sleep.

Frugality: Spending under $3 at Starbucks or Diedrich. Not ordering the best thing on the menu when eating out.

That's about all for now. Next weekend will be my first weekend of Silence and Solitude. I will let you know how it goes.

The Rubber Meets the Road (No this isn't the Motorcycle Story)

So recently I have been reading Dallas Willard's book The Spirit of the Disciplines. And I just finished chapter 3 which is titled Salvation is a Life. The basic premises of the chapter is that we focus to much on the single act of Jesus crucifixion and not on his entire life and/or his resurrection. In so doing we tend to make salvation an instantaneous event which requires nothing of us after the fact. But if we understand it in its proper context salvation is a whole life event. Therefore we continue to have a part after our conversion. So basically what I am saying is I am going to be practicing some of the classic disciplines to help the rubber meet the road and I would like to enlist your help. If you and I are in conversation or hanging out please ask me how they are going. I ask you this so that I might be held accountable. Also I hope by myself doing this and you hearing of my experience you might consider doing this as well. I might share periodically on here if it is of interest, comment and let me know if you want to here updates on the blog. So here is my list of disciplines I am going to be practicing and the stipulations I am setting for them. Fasting: every Thursday I will fast two meals, in so doing I will fast roughly 24 hours the Jewish way. Silence: I am going to practice not speaking for 24 hour periods. Once a month on a weekend. Solitude: Once a month spend 6 hours by myself with God, a journal and my bible; thats it. Scripture Memorization: Kinda self explanatory. And the last is frugality: This will last a month at least, not sure how long, where I will not buy anything for myself except for that which I need. I suppose that last will be the most difficult. So please help me with this if you are with me somewhere. Food obviously doesn't count, nor does gas and such. Basically it is the purchase of products or merchandise will you have it. If there are any questions feel free to comment and ask.

P.S. Yes, Amber, I know it goes over the page rule.

Tag Redemption

Here you go Amber.
It's fun! You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less. It's harder than you think!
1. Where is your cell phone? In My Pocket
2. Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend or Husband/Wife? Lost not found
3. Where is one of your parents? In her car
4. Cheesecake? I love cows
5. Your favorite thing to do? Discuss a topic
6. Your dream last night? None found here
7. Your favorite drink? No real winner
8. The room you're in? My sleeping room
9. George Bush? Could be worse
10. What you're good at? Taking awesome photos
11. One of your wish list items? Porsche 911 Turbo
12. Where did you grow up? Southern California Baby
13. The last thing you did? Typed lame answer
14. What are you wearing? clothing for work
15. Who stole your sunglasses, amber? Amber has sunglasses?
16. Ketchup? No better condiment
17. Your computer? Apple Macbook Pro
18. Your life? Led from above
19. Your mood? Pretty stinking good
20 your next blog? Wait I blog?
21. Your car is? to be fixed
22. Your summer? Way to hot
23. Your relationship status? Does this matter?
24. Your favorite color(s)? No favorite here
25. When is the last time you laughed? I can't remember.

I tag Andrew, Lisa and John W.
Ok...get blogging people!

My new Dew

I know you like it.

Its good!

You know you wouldn't believe it unless you tried it, I know I didn't. But this stuff is actually good. It is McDonald's Coffee. Go try it and you will see. Best coffee I have ever had that I can recall.

I Suppose I will Do This...

The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.





The Random Facts/Habits:
1. I love ketchup.
2. If it has John Cusack I am in. (Weird I know)
3. I know how to sail. (You can call me Captain Jon)
4. I've been to Asia and Europe but never Mexico.
5. I need to have something cover me while sleeping. Sheet or blanket will do.
6. I've moved at least ten times in my life.
7. I used to deliver pizza for a job.
8. I have my motorcycle license.




So at this point I doubt there is anyone else left to tag, except The Ninja, so he is the only one getting tagged. If you read this and would like to do one yourself feel free to do so and leave a comment on here to let others know.